DISCLAIMER: I am at the end of my fucking rope and I am aware that the formatting/coding/whatever the fuck related to this post is messed up and not working correctly but it is almost 11PM on Tuesday 11/23 and I am profoundly fucking stressed out and posting this blog last minute in the first place to keep up with capitalist pressures to hashtag girlboss so PLEASE, if you want to support me this Black Friday season, please click the banners in my sidebar or the links in the “Where to Buy Sex Toys” page of my website because I am truly about to fucking lose it over how NOTHING IS WORKING RIGHT NOW and I am sorry I cannot be an efficient and streamlined blogger but PLEASE GIVE ME A BREAK I AM SORRY!! I am experiencing technical difficulties that I do not have the time to fix because I am going to be out of town with no access to my computer over Thanksgiving/Black Friday and this is the best I can do, I’m sorry, please forgive me.

This blog post, I’m going to be completely honest, is a last minute shitshow of a post. I’ve been feeling extremely scrambled lately, and part of that is because I’m all over the place trying to get some medical shit figured out in addition to doing all my regular real-life stuff. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a lot of anxiety about “oh shit, what do I even DO for Black Friday,” and I’ve typed up multiple different drafts of potential posts…none of which have been fully finished. SO. I decided to say “fuck it” and acknowledge the fact that posting something is better than posting nothing. With that being said, here is my something.

BLACK FRIDAY/CYBER MONDAY SEX TOY DEALS:

First, I’ll cut to the chase and post about all the HOT BLACK FRIDAY DEALS!!!1! happening this week, so then you don’t have to scroll through any more of my blabbing to get to the important stuff.

If you’re thinking about buying something on Black Friday, please CLEAR YOUR COOKIES FIRST and then, in a cookie-enabled browser window, please click my links and purchase through them! If you’re reading my blog, it’s the best way to support me continuing to do blog stuff, as you don’t pay anything extra but the stores give me a small percentage of your purchase (they’re basically paying me for advertising). I’m paying for pelvic floor physical therapy out of pocket right now, so know that by supporting my blog, you’re literally supporting my vagina! Directly! How heartwarming!

While I’m posting this blog in advance of sales details officially being announced, please know that all of these stores are DILDOODLER ENDORSED and having FANTASTIC BLACK FRIDAY/CYBER MONDAY SALES that you should totally check out!!! So like, once it’s actually Black Friday, DEFINITELY click these links to get SUPER HOT SALES DEALS!!!!! You can also click any of the links in my sidebar or on my “Where to Buy Sex Toys” page!!!

BETTY’S TOY BOX:

NAUGHTY NORTH:

GIFT GUIDE??? SOME SUGGESTIONS???

It’s my first holiday season as a sex toy review blogger, and it’s exciting that this year I’m not just scrolling through gift guides created by other bloggers. I’m making my own this time! In this post, I’ll include a bunch of Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals AND some of my recommendations about what to spend your money on if you’re not sure what to get!

The We-Vibe Rave is one of my favorite vibrators in general, and it has a lot to offer. You can use it solely as an external vibrator, but if you choose to insert it, the unique shape of its design works fucking witchcraft on the G-spot. It’s powerful, it has amazing vibration quality, it’s quiet, it’s rechargeable, and you can control it either manually OR using the We-Vibe app! If you’re looking to splurge on a high-quality sex toy but you want something that can do a little bit of everything, I definitely recommend the We-Vibe Rave.

Looking for a budget-friendly alternative? The Pillow Talk Sassy is a great choice if you’re looking for a vibrator that you can use internally or externally, and while it’s not quite as powerful as the We-Vibe Rave and doesn’t quite have all the bells and whistles, it’s still an EXTREMELY solid choice that I strongly recommend. Like the We-Vibe Rave, the Pillow Talk Sassy can also be used either internally or externally, and it provides solid quality vibrations in either circumstance. If you’re on a budget or looking to make the most of Black Friday sales, definitely consider tossing the Pillow Talk Sassy into your shopping cart.

The We-Vibe Touch X is me and my partner’s number one top pick YES GET THIS 100% fav sex toy of 2021, and we’ve tried a LOT! Out of everything on this blog, out of all of the stuff in our collection, the Touch X is still the vibrator both of us reach for the quickest. Like, every time sex or masturbation is happening in our house, the We-Vibe Touch X is probably involved somehow. If you’d prefer a bullet, I also STRONGLY recommend the We-Vibe Tango X!

You might also consider picking up the Fun Factory Tiger (if you really wanna splurge) or the Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine as a more budget friendly option of the Tiger’s design. If you’re interested in a thick insertable g-spot vibrator, I’ve got a detailed head-to-head comparison breaking down the two toys that you can read here!

Another option, consider going classic with a Magic Wand Rechargeable. Even if you’re not horny, you can always use this wand as a back massager (it’s a joke, but I do genuinely use it as a back massager somewhat often).

Note: NONE of these vibrators are anal safe! Do not use these vibrators anally under any circumstances!

I deeply love and miss using the Vixen Creations Mustang, just like I deeply love and miss using the Uberrime Splendid…if only my vagina wasn’t suffering painful atrophy right now, SIGHS HEAVILY. If your vagina (or anus?!) is in working order, I strongly recommend taking advantage of Black Friday sales to pick up one (or both) of these dildos at a discount! You won’t regret it, I promise, also, do it in my memory lmao.

Speaking of things I want but can’t have….why not post….

MY OWN WISHLIST???

Something I’ve always loved about the holiday season has been making wishlists. I never go into the act of making a list assuming I’ll get everything—or even anything at all—that I have written down on my wishlist. To me, a lot of the fun and joy comes from just making the list in the first place. As a sex toy blogger and general sex toy enthusiast, you can probably imagine that my holiday wishlist has a lot of sex toys and sex accessories on it. I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to imagine what my holiday sex toy wishlist looks like. Instead, I’m just going to show it to you! So, without further ado, please enjoy Dildoodler’s Official Personal Holiday 2021 Wishlist of Sex Toys I Myself Personally Want!

Vibrators:

The Dame Pom: My partner and I agree on a lot of things, and a harmonious relationship has a ton of benefits. Agreeing about favorite restaurants, favorite tv shows, and favorite music makes our relationship flow really smoothly. We also share a lot of similar opinions about sex toys. For example, we both consider the We-Vibe Touch X to be our mutual favorite vibrator that we’ve tried in 2021. In fact, we both consider it as one of our favorite vibrators, period. However…we only have one of them. When you have the same favorite toy, sharing can be hard. That’s why I’m curious about the Dame Pom, a vibrator with a similar shape to the Touch X. I’d love to see if this adorable bird-looking vibrator could bring us the same enjoyment that the Touch X does.

The Dame Kip: If I’m making a sex toy wishlist, I absolutely have to mention the Dame Kip. I’ve had my eye on the Kip for so long. I can’t resist that cute shape combined with that delightful sunny shade of yellow it comes in, and I wish so badly that the Kip could be mine. Maybe someday!

The Dame Arc: You might notice a lot of Dame products on this wishlist, and that’s simply because I’m really interested in their products. They’ve got great color schemes, I was highly impressed with the Dame Aer, and so far I’ve only heard good things about this brand. Maybe I’ll be the one to write a negative review of their stuff in the future, but I can’t know until I try their stuff for myself!

The Fun Factory Sundaze: I’ve read a lot of reviews of the Fun Factory Sundaze, and I gotta admit, I still don’t really understand how it works. The “tapping” sensations it’s described as having sound really interesting, and again, I would love to be able to get my hands on this toy and try it out in person. Sucks that I don’t live anywhere near a sex toy store that doesn’t look like something out of a skeevy 80s movie, otherwise I would ideally just go to a store and hold the floor model in my hands to see what it’s like. At least we have the internet!

The Fun Factory Stronic Pulsator: I’m more familiar with the concept of this Fun Factory toy, even if I’ve never had the opportunity to hold this one in my hand either. A thrusting, pulsating sex toy? Absolutely intriguing. I want to put this bad boy on my kitchen floor and watch it propel itself forward, inevitably scaring the shit out of my cat in the process. Maybe 2022 will be the year this happens, who can say!

The Fun Factory Volta: I recently reviewed a toy with kind of a similar shape and design to the Fun Factory Volta, but…I’m a huge sucker for Fun Factory. Their colors, their construction, and their VIBRATIONS are simply on another level, so even though I tried a toy that’s similar to the Volta…I really want to get my hands on the Volta itself.

Dildos:

The Pris Toys Voyager: This toy isn’t necessarily on my list of “things I want for me,” but it’s at the top of the list of “things I want to get my partner.” My partner loves aliens, and they also really love that super bright, super obnoxious green that’s so closely associated with aliens in popular culture. Plus, there need to be more bright and colorful obnoxious dildos in the world, PERIOD.

Uberrime, Uberrime, UBERRIME!!!!

Is it fair for me to say that I just want, like, everything that Uberrime creates? All of their dildos have gorgeous colors, creative designs, and shapes and textures that just make me reach out with grabby hands as far as my arms will let me extend.

 NEW Uberrime Grinders:  Rosae, Labae, and Alia  Uberrime is just repeatedly dialing my number this year. First they have dildos in a ton of cool colors, and now they have GRINDERS? Grinders, for grinding, also known as one of my favorite ways to get off? Truly, I am overcome with joy. I don’t have a fireplace and I don’t have a stocking hanging above my non-existent fireplace, but if I DID have a stocking to stuff…one of Uberrime’s conveniently stocking-stuffer-sized grinders would be the most amazing thing I could possibly find on Christmas morning. However, I will also of course always accept those tubes of Mini M&Ms, too. The mini ones just taste better, what can I say?

 The Uberrime Vis: When I first saw the new Near Clear silicone dildo designs from Uberrime, I wasn’t just impressed. I was transfixed. The colors are fucking gorgeous, and based on my experiences with the Uberrime Splendid, I want so badly to try out more of Uberrime’s offerings. If nothing else, I just want to be able to hold this gorgeous dildo in my hands and look at it for like, three hours at minimum. Every day I am amazed by how dildo crafters manage to make such beautiful and amazing works of art (that also deliver spectacular sexual gratification! Incredible!!!)

Sexual Health/Practical Stuff:

While I have several dildos on this list, I have to address a certain unfortunate reality. It isn’t just my budget that’s holding me back from spending all my money on dildos. It’s the fact that my vagina has been super messed up over the past year, and until I get all my health problems resolved, I can’t physically use dildos. I’ve been suffering symptoms of vaginal atrophy, which means that any kind of penetration, even penetration from just a single finger is enough to cause my vagina to painfully tear. I’m working closely with my doctor, and one of the potential options for trying to soothe my symptoms and work towards recovery is vaginal dilators. So, just like everyone out there putting practical things like new socks and underwear on their holiday wishlists, I’m putting a practical sex related item on my holiday wishlist.

The OhNut is another sexual health/wellness product that I’m interested in giving a shot. I tried to use a regular cock ring on a dildo as a sort of DIY buffer, but it…did not work. While penetration isn’t something I can hope to partake in anytime soon, maybe one day the OhNut will be something I can use to help get me back in the saddle again, so to speak.

Speaking of practical wishlist items, the Liberator Fascinator sex blanket is actually at the top of my wishlist. Seriously, I’m probably going to actually buy this one. It’s troublesome and annoying to always have to lay down a patchwork amalgamation of towels before sex, and the alternative of getting caught off guard and having to do a surprise load of laundry is even worse. Don’t get me wrong, I wash my sheets and towels regularly, but I do so on a schedule. I am not here for surprise emergency loads of laundry. The Liberator sex blanket is well known and well praised for its ability to act as…well…a sex blanket. It absorbs fluids. There’s no glamorous way to put it because sex is inherently sweaty and unglamorous! There’s fluids! That’s just how it is! That’s why I want a sex blanket—because I can lay it down to protect the rest of my bedding with the confidence that I’ll only have to wash one manageably sized throw blanket once sex is over.

CONCLUSION???

I have to emphasize again, this post is a fucking mess. If you’re reading this, I’m begging you not to take this as any kind of true representation of my work and who I am as a writer. This is instead a representation of a person who is scrambling to accommodate the pressure to post caused by a nightmarish capitalist society that has basically an entire holiday dedicated to pure consumerism. Do I feel bad whenever I push the spiel of “hey, please buy stuff from my affiliate links?” BUT ALSO, I have to pay for the hosting for this website, I have to pay for a bunch of other shit, SO LIKE if you’re buying stuff anyway please consider using my affiliate links to do so in order for me to get a little kickback.

At the time of me actually writing this post, it is November 23 and I now have to finish my day job, drive to a physical therapy appointment, and bake three goddamn loaves of bread before packing up my suitcase and embarking on an 8 hour road trip tomorrow.

(I am yelling and crying and tired I’ll make a better post next year until then please forgive me thanks)