The VUSH Myth: An Unintentionally E.T. Themed Sex Toy

If you’ve ever had a sexual fantasy involving E.T. the Extra Terrestrial, my partner would like to personally recommend this vibrator to you. I unboxed the VUSH Myth wearily, on my couch, with no intention of anything sexy happening (as most of my unboxings go). My partner was sitting next to me, and they immediately sprung up in their seat upon seeing the Myth.

“Are you kidding me?!” they exclaimed. “That’s E.T.’s finger!!!”

Before I could make my own comment, they took it out of my hands and turned it on, cackling and quoting horrible phrases in a horrible, raspy E.T. voice as they delicately stroked my shoulder with the toy. To my extreme displeasure, my partner was spot-on in their comparison. The Myth’s bulbous, textured head in combination with its long, slender neck…it was, in fact, exactly like E.T.’s finger. The only difference is that the Myth’s head doesn’t light up the way E.T.’s finger does.

source:
Extra Terrestrian: Die Ausserirdische, 1996
a.k.a. ET the Vagina

— Out of Context Porn (@OOCporn) August 24, 2020

Can we just take a minute to fucking look at E.T. and ask ourselves—who the hell designed this monstrosity? Why does he fucking look like that??? In the process of asking myself questions like this while writing this review, I spent some time on the E.T. movie Wikipedia page and here are some of the fun facts I learned:

• “Mars, Incorporated refused to allow M&M’s to be used in the film, believing E.T. would frighten children.”
• “Spielberg declared [the E.T. puppet] was “something only a mother could love.””
• E.T.’s voice was a combination of 16 people and animals, including Pat Welsh, a woman who smoked two packs of cigarettes a day, a recording of another woman sleeping when she was suffering from a cold, a man’s burp, raccoons, otters, and horses.
• E.T. can arguably be interpreted as a religious parable.
• The E.T. video game, released Christmas 1982 for the Atari 2600, went down in history as one of the worst video games ever made and was “cited as a major contributing factor to the video game industry crash of 1983.” Also,“In what was initially deemed an urban legend, reports from 1983 stated that as a result of overproduction and returns, millions of unsold cartridges were secretly buried in an Alamogordo, New Mexico landfill and covered with a layer of concrete. In April 2014, diggers hired to investigate the claim confirmed that the Alamogordo landfill contained many E.T. cartridges, among other games.”

As much as I would love to continue filling this blog with fucking weird facts about E.T., I have to move on. I urge you, though, to look up weird E.T. facts on your own, as they are ABUNDANT, I promise you.

Performance of the VUSH Myth:

One of my frequent themes on this blog—if you can call a recurring complaint a theme—is my vagina’s ongoing inability to tolerate penetration. I’m in the process of figuring out what’s going on and trying to fix it, I am receiving professional medical attention and all that, but I can’t just snap my fingers and have it go back to normal. It takes time. So, while that process continues, I can’t put much, if anything, in my vagina at all. That’s part of what led me to be interested in the Myth—because its head is pretty small and its neck has no more girth than my pinkie finger, it did turn out to be one of the few sex toys my sad vagina can tolerate being penetrated with.

Unfortunately, just because my vagina could receive the Myth didn’t mean it was a particularly enjoyable experience. It didn’t hurt, but it kind of just felt like nothing. The vibrations of the Myth simply aren’t enough to really do anything for me, and even though the head has a nice ridged texture, it still just…didn’t do anything special. Honestly, I just got bored with it and stopped.

My partner had roughly the same experience I did. The vibrations weren’t interesting to them externally or internally, and the texture/shape were similarly dull to them. While the VUSH Myth offers five vibration settings and five patterns, it felt to the two of us like the vibrations were simply too weak and surface level to successfully bring either of us to orgasm. I tried multiple times on multiple occasions to have an orgasm with the Myth, and I just…couldn’t??? I was afraid something was wrong with me, but that concern went away after I switched out to the We-Vibe Touch X and was able to orgasm with no trouble at all.

A brief interlude to go over the features of the VUSH Myth:

Features:

• Made of silicone and completely waterproof
• USB rechargeable using a magnetic charging cord
• Comes with storage pouch
• Has 5 patterns and 5 vibration intensities

Patterns:

• Pattern one: steady vibration
• Pattern two: standard pulse
• Pattern three: Best way I can describe it as 2 quarter notes (two short pulses) followed by a half note (longer pulse)
• Pattern four: rising and falling wave
• Pattern five: rising and falling pulse

Dimensions:

• Overall Length: 7.75 Inches
• Insertable Length: 5 Inches
• Bulb Widest Width: 1.25 Inches
• Bulb Widest Girth: 3.9 Inches
• Neck Narrowest Width: 0.75 Inches
• Neck Narrowest Girth: 2.4 Inches
• Weight: 0.52 lbs

The VUSH Myth is also like, $100 fucking dollars??? In U.S. dollars? Since I’m reviewing this for Naughty North, the price listed on their website in Canadian dollars is $124 for the VUSH Myth. Which like…fuck that, get a Pillow Talk Sassy or We-Vibe Touch X/Tango X instead. Naughty North stocks those products, too, and they’re a much better pick than the VUSH Myth at a similar price point.

What is the Appeal of the VUSH Myth?

In my opinion, the VUSH Myth is so expensive because it’s selling you a lifestyle and visual before it’s selling an actually good sex toy. One of the big deals about the VUSH sex toy brand is that one of their other products, the Majesty 2 vibrator, was featured in a Cardi B music video. Which like—cool? But Cardi B is just holding it up to the camera, which speaks to the fact that while VUSH makes very visually pleasing products, the actual function of their products isn’t necessarily as pleasing. I think it’s also worth noting that while the Majesty 2 is a pleasant tangerine color, all of VUSH’s other products are the same old delicate baby pink that has been plaguing sex toys for decades. Maybe it’s more specifically “millennial rose gold” or whatever the fuck, but either way, can we please have some more variety in colors??? Please??? The tangerine is a great start! Go with that!!!

I found it funny that on VUSH’s website, they describe themselves as innovators of “gender neutral tech.” Cue me, gazing skeptically at the camera. Sure, VUSH…that’s why everything is pink except for one single product. I have to wonder, since Cardi B was so heavily involved in the promotion of the Majesty 2, did she get to pick the standout orange color of this toy? If so, I’d like to send her a thank-you card.

VUSH’s predominantly pink color scheme isn’t the only thing that makes their claims of being a “gender neutral tech” company laughable. They also sell products with gendered names, such as the “Clean Queen” cleaning spray and apparently a sex toy called “Empress 2,” although it seems to be sold out at the moment. The brand website also uses the word “babe” to address the reader at every single opportunity available, and while “babe” is technically gender neutral, it still feels really gendered to me. I would love to live in a world where calling someone “Babe” just meant you were calling them a talented and spunky little pig, but alas, we’re not there yet. Additionally, when describing how to use their products, they always refer exclusively to the clitoris, when like…you can just as easily place any of their vibrators on a penis. Like, I promise, the penis won’t evaporate or disintegrate into a powder if you do that, it’s fine.

VUSH, Misinformation, and Queer Erasure:

Speaking of directions, I got really frustrated at the misinformation I read in VUSH’s FAQ section. In response to the question “Is sharing sex toys safe?”, VUSH responded:

“For hygiene reasons, we don’t recommend sharing sex toys with a friend. If you’re keen to share VUSH Stimulation toys with your friends or loved ones, why not gift them a powerful vibrator of their own? That way you can have your own Empress at all times. Sometimes it’s good to be selfish for self-love.”

I’m so fucking annoyed by this. First of all, the implication that the only reason two “women”—because cis women are clearly the only demographic they’re targeting, I have eyes, I can look at a website, I know the impression I’m getting—anyway, the implication that the only context two ~women~ would be sharing sex toys in is in a “friend” way??? Fuck off, perhaps???? My significant other who I share my life AND my sex toys with is not just my “friend.”

And like, “friends and loved ones?” Is this implying women are more likely to share sex toys with their moms and sisters and aunts than they are their romantic partners??? This completely erases the fact that same-sex relationships and same-sex sexual encounters in general exist and I’m absolutely furious about this.

VUSH could have written something about how to safely sanitize sex toys to share with others, or they could have pointed out that you can very easily just cover a sex toy with a condom when passing it between partners who aren’t fluid bonded (fluid bonded, meaning, you have established it within your relationship that you are OK exchanging bodily fluids with your partner(s) and you are taking whatever steps necessary to monitor your sexual health and protect against STDs). But like, with my situation, my partner and I have been fluid bonded for like, almost three years, we only have sex with each other, and we regularly pass sex toys back and forth during sex with no problems! Because our vaginas know each other! Neither of us have STDs! My vaginal fluids aren’t poison to my partner’s vagina! To imply it’s “unhygienic” to share sex toys, FUCK OFF!!! Even if I DID want to share them with a friend or a hookup or whoever else, you know what? That would also be fine! Because sex toys can be sterilized!

I know I shouldn’t be getting as upset as I am because this is clearly just VUSH trying to trick people into thinking they need to buy more sex toys, but actually, perhaps that’s a reason to get more mad! Because spreading misinformation to try and influence consumer spending habits and trick them IS morally shitty, actually!

VUSH is just Moon Juice Sex Dust:

I’ve been listening to a lot of the Maintenance Phase podcast lately (hosted by Aubrey Gordon and Michael Hobbes), and I have to say, I feel like there’s a lot of similarities between the overall “wellness” trend in mainstream culture right now and VUSH’s marketing vision. The emphasis on “self love” and “wellness,” the heavy dose of influencer testimonials, the celebrity cameos…all of it feels like sprinkling glitter on something that isn’t actually any good. VUSH pushes ideas about inclusion and empowerment, but to me, I only see buzzwords—not any actual progressive or thoughtful ideas. I mean, when your FAQ section completely fucking erases the existence of lesbian sex, that’s kind of where I say “fuck off” and leave.

It’s interesting that in their “About” section, VUSH states they’re “educating ourselves, and listening to your feedback to ensure our range suits everybody’s body.“ I wonder if they’ll look at this review and listen to my feedback. Who can say! In the meantime, VUSH will remain the celery juice of sex toys.

(Seriously though, go listen to Maintenance Phase)

Final Thoughts on the VUSH Myth:

I was really disappointed in the VUSH Myth, honestly, because there are a lot of elements of the VUSH Myth’s design that could have been really great. I love texture on toys, which is why I thought the head would be something I’d really enjoy. I also greatly appreciate firm, unyielding toys for the sake of grinding, and the VUSH Myth has no give at all (which, for this type of toy, is something I really like). The handle is really easy to hold on to, the buttons are easy to press, and I also appreciate the slim, slender design (because I know I’m not the only person in the world that struggles with penetration). I would love to know what the VUSH Myth would be like if it had better vibrations. Unfortunately, vibrations are the most important part of a vibrator, and this one…just doesn’t deliver in that regard.

Also, fuck off with the queer erasure/misinformation/wellness peddling bullshit lmao.

Still, if you’re interested in picking up a VUSH Myth for yourself (perhaps due to a sexual fantasy involving E.T.), you can get one here at Naughty North. Thanks to Naughty North for giving me the opportunity to review this item!

Disclaimer: I received this item for free in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links have been used in this post.