PREPARE FOR A DISCOURSE HEAVY FANTASY DILDO REVIEW:

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where things look like they’re going to be normal and then something flies at you from completely out of left field? That would be the situation I find myself in as I begin my review of the Deep Fantasies Xenomorph dildo, sent to me by SheVibe.

A FANTASY DILDO DEBACLE:

Since I’ve become active in the sex toy/blogging community, I’ve noticed there are two main groups of sex toy enthusiasts. On one hand, there are people (like me) who typically go for “mainstream” sex toys like vibrators and dildos made by large, established brands and sold by larger retailers. On the other hand, there are people who go for what I’ll call “indie” sex toys, which are designed and produced on a very small scale, but typically with a great deal of passion and creativity behind them. Indie sex toys usually have more fantasy-based designs, and can include dildos, penetrable toys (such as sleeves and “mini-pens,” or “miniature penetrables), and even bonus items like cute little silicone squishies that aren’t meant to be used for sex, but are moreso collector’s items. For this reason, the indie sex toy community is also commonly referred to as the fantasy sex toy community.

From what I’ve observed, indie sex toy enthusiasts are hugely knowledgeable and largely see each toy as a unique, one-of-a-kind piece of art. I definitely agree with this perspective—I have spent my life being actively involved in the anime convention circuit, and I have a great appreciation for the work of small independent artists and crafters, as well as a deep disdain for art theft. My experiences have largely been limited to admiring the pictures other people post of their collections on Twitter, but I would like to emphasize the enormous amount of respect I have for those in the indie sex toy/fantasy sex toy community. I’ve observed so many people compiling helpful lists and round ups, supporting tiny independent businesses, and posting wise words of warning regarding which businesses to avoid.

Unfortunately, I am not as deeply rooted in the indie/fantasy sex toy community as I could be, and so I often find myself out of the loop and clueless when it comes to being aware of who to avoid. When SheVibe first reached out to me about reviewing a Deep Fantasies dildo, I agreed without second thought. Admittedly, I should have perhaps done my research before accepting the offer. But, the past couple of months have been kind of a whirlwind for me (if you haven’t noticed, my posting has slowed down quite a bit), so I didn’t take the time to look up Deep Fantasies.

PROBLEMS WITH DEEP FANTASIES:

A few days after I agreed to review a Deep Fantasies item, SheVibe tweeted out that they would be stocking Deep Fantasies toys in their storefront, and the response from the indie/fantasy sex toy community was immediate. Not only was the input from this community prompt, it was also highly concerning.

Reading through the responses to SheVibe’s tweet, I was horrified to learn several things:

—Deep Fantasies was caught admitting to the fact that they use stolen designs within a large Discord server. After being found out, they proceeded to argue with customers before they were kicked out of the Discord server for their dishonesty. After this, the brand was effectively run off of Twitter in shame.

—Deep Fantasies has a history of failing to deliver on promised design elements, such as color schemes, and then dismissing customers who (rightfully!) complained about receiving a product that did not at all resemble what they ordered.

—Deep Fantasies uses unsafe materials in their toys. Specifically, the company was pointed out to be using a mica pigment that was specifically stated to be for art projects only and NOT for cosmetic use. I also read a comment stating that they do not use body safe mica. Admittedly, I am not as fluent in the language of materials as I should be, but I absolutely trust the Twitter users who were making these statements as they are big voices in the indie/fantasy sex toy community and I trust them to be knowledgeable. At the end of the day, even a single unsafe ingredient being used in a sex toy is enough to send me running in the opposite direction.

I worry that someone might look at this review and accuse me of basing my thoughts and opinions of Twitter hearsay, or worse, “gossip” or “drama.” But like, if I see a bunch of random people on the internet saying something like…”hey, the Burger King on Main Street is giving people food poisoning, don’t eat there,” I’m not going to think, “well, that’s just gossip and I can’t trust what I read on the internet! Clearly these people must have a grudge against Burger King! The Burger King community has so much DRAMA!” Rather, I’m going to think, “hmm, I sure don’t wanna spend the next 24 hours dying on the toilet, I’m going to stay away from that Burger King.”

Anyway, when the Deep Fantasies Xenomorph dildo arrived in my mailbox, I was…stressed out, to say the least. I had a great deal of anxiety regarding, “should I even insert this toy into me??? Is this actually safe???”

I reached out to blogger Mxed Reviews, who is significantly more knowledgeable than me when it comes to indie/fantasy dildos, and they provided me with a ton of information about Deep Fantasies as a brand as well as linking me to this helpful post by Creature Feature Toys about indie/fantasy dildo safety. You see, because I’m not familiar with the ins and outs of mica, specifically. From what I learned doing my (late) research (disgracefully after the fact), apparently the issue with Deep Fantasies using unsafe mica pigments specifically comes up in regards to their sparkly/glittery looking toys, which fortunately does not apply to the Xenomorph I received from SheVibe.

The toy itself arrived to me in a bag that was black on one side and clear on the other side, and if I hadn’t been alerted to Deep Fantasies being scummy before, I definitely got the hint now. Looking at their packaging, I saw they had icons indicating they had Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok accounts…but no Twitter. I had learned by now that they had been RUN OFF OF TWITTER for bad behavior, so like. What can I say! I should’ve done more research! I cannot emphasize my own personal foolishness enough!

GENERAL IMPRESSIONS OF THE DEEP FANTASIES XENOMORPH:

The Xenomorph really lived up to its name within the first 48 hours of me owning it, because just like the creature from the Alien movies it is named after, this dildo felt like a menace in my home that existed only to inflict torment on me.

For a while, I had the Xenomorph sitting on my computer desk (which is also where I usually eat), and kept being overcome with this subconscious urge to stick it in my mouth and eat it in between writing this review and also running roulettes in Final Fantasy XIV. After a little while, I finally made the connection that this is because the blue and white swirl coloration of the Xenomorph reminds me of grocery store birthday cake frosting.

Speaking of, did you know that as a grown adult you can just go to the birthday store and buy yourself a grocery cake–yknow that’s a mistake but I’m keeping it in–anyway, did you know you can GO TO THE GROCERY STORE and buy yourself a BIRTHDAY CAKE whenever you fucking want and no one can stop you? I started doing this a few years ago and my life has been better ever since. Small birthday cake sizes exist, and they can bring you a week of personal joy if you let them.

Looking at SheVibe’s website and presentation of these dildos compared to the website of Deep Fantasies themselves, I gotta say, SheVibe is really pulling a ton of weight for Deep Fantasies. If I had only been presented with Deep Fantasies own website and I was paying out of pocket instead of being contacted as a reviewer, I don’t think I would fork out the money for a Deep Fantasies dildo because they just…aren’t presented that well. Am I maybe saying this to make myself feel better about taking on a dildo from a company I later learned was problematic? Yeah, probably. Let me cope.

The main difference between SheVibe’s range of Deep Fantasies items and the actual Deep Fantasies website stock is, of course, the selection. The Deep Fantasies website has way more options for sizes, colors, firmness, and add-ons such as cum tubes. SheVibe only offers the Xenomorph with one standardized set of dimensions, but to some extent I think this is a good thing because it takes out a lot of decision making anxiety, in my opinion. If you’re getting a Xenomorph through SheVibe, these are the specs of the toy you’ll be getting:

•     Shore 00-50 Medium (SOFT)
•     Total height: 7″
•     Usable length: 6″
•     Largest diameter at head: 1.7″
•     Girth at shaft: 5.9″
•     Largest diameter at shaft: 2.1″

All in all, I would describe the Deep Fantasies Xenomorph as a medium-large-ish dildo. For me, it’s comparable to the Uberrime Splendid I have in medium (at least size-wise).

THE CUM TUBE:

One of the biggest features of the Xenomorph is the cum tube it…cums with…and I have to say, this is the aspect of the dildo I was most curious about. I’ve been familiar with the concept of cum tubes for a long time, but I had never done the dirty (squirty?) work myself. The Xenomorph’s cum tube connects to a large (50mL) syringe, and while I was initially confused on how to figure the syringe aspect out, my partner was able to explain and get it all set up for me.

We tested the Xenomorph’s cum tube with plain old tap water from our kitchen sink, just to give it a squirt and see what would happen. It was very fun to watch the Xenomorph squirt out water, but like…in an extremely silly way. It was certainly entertaining when my partner and I placed the Xenomorph on the floor and squirted water out of it and frightened our cat. “Fun” and “sexy” are two categories that don’t always overlap, though.

I’m not really sure if I could get in the right mindset to indulge in the squirting cumtube function during sex, and that’s for two main reasons: for one, that’s a LOT of lube, and lube isn’t cheap, and for two, that would be a LOT of cleanup work. Maybe when I finally get a sex blanket I’ll be able to indulge, but for now, I don’t want to deal with running all my towels through the washing machine.

I have a couple other thoughts on the cum tube. First off, in my mind, it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to separate it from the “Potty Training Kelly” Barbie doll I had as a child. Like, the “squeeze squishy plastic and water comes out” mechanic is just…it’s Potty Training Kelly, I’m sorry. As a note, though, I was never actually allowed to fill up Kelly with water to make her pee because I believe I was told that mold would grow on the inside of her doll body, or something. For that reason I’ve got quite a bit of anxiety about the long term outlook for toys with a cum tube. Even though they’ve been washed and are air drying for a generous amount of time, can I really be sure they’re safe? I suppose the difference between the Xenomorph and Potty Training Kelly is that the Xenomorph’s liquid of choice is propelled through its plastic body with far more force, so…I guess I’ll just keep an eye on it.

USING THE DEEP FANTASIES XENOMORPH:

Looking at the Xenomorph itself, I really love the raised squishy ridge/fin spanning what would be the top of the dick, assuming this toy was a real dick. I like all of the molded squishy texture in general, and in use…I have to say, I can’t endorse Deep Fantasies ethically as a brand, but I will give credit where credit is due. The texture of this toy felt REALLY nice. I wasn’t able to insert it into myself due to my ongoing health issues, but as a grinding toy this dildo was excellent. The ridges/fins feel super good when moved back and forth across the clit, and the toy as a whole offers so many different texture sensations. Every time I moved the toy a different way or rotated it to grind against a different area of the toy’s surface, I got to experience a new texture. And, well, all of the textures felt really fucking good.

More texture on the Deep Fantasies Xenomorph — Deep Fantasies is problematic but I absolutely love this ridge on the Xenomorph

I enjoyed using the Xenomorph quite a bit, but the cum tube was EXTREMELY annoying in use. I wasn’t using the cum tube for its intended purpose, so it was just hanging out. It would never stay where I tried to place it, though. It kept moving around, which was really annoying and distracting. Ultimately, I took the tube and put it behind my neck, keeping it contained between the back of my head and the pillow I was leaning against, but it was still a really annoying distraction. Maybe in the future, using something like a twist tie would do a better job of keeping it out of the way, but my experience with the cum tube felt like there was a large butterfly in the room constantly giving me annoying tickles with its proboscis. Not the experience I wanted!!!

Even in pictures, the cum tube is getting in the way!

FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE DEEP FANTASIES XENOMORPH:

I love squishy toys with a lot of texture to grind against, so in that sense, I really liked the Xenomorph. However, with all of the negative information I learned about Deep Fantasies, I cannot personally endorse them as a company and recommend you get a texture-heavy squishy fantasy dildo from a more ethical brand. I appreciate SheVibe giving me the chance to review this item, even if my review ultimately turned out to be negative.