If It Were 2005, This Would Be The Shmexy :3 Secret:

So far, my experiences with Satisfyer have been at two ends of the spectrum. The Satisfyer Yummy Sunshine is an all-around excellent vibrator, and I still really enjoy using it. Meanwhile, the Satisfyer Love Triangle was a toy I couldn’t wait to be done testing so that I wouldn’t have to use it again. Now, we have the Satisfyer Sexy Secret panty vibrator. This toy doesn’t inspire the joy of the Yummy Sunshine, nor does it provoke the rage of the Love Triangle. Instead, this toy is just kind of medium-poor. I don’t feel happy or angry, just “meh” and disappointed. While this vibrator had great potential, the app controls wound up being too spotty to fully enjoy using this toy in the context it was intended for.

First Impressions of the Satisfyer Sexy Secret

The Satisfyer Sexy Secret is a rechargeable vibrator that uses a detachable magnetic disc to hold itself in place within the user’s underwear, and tucks in between the user’s labia to nestle against the clitoris. Because of the magnet apparatus, the toy is easy to adjust and reposition, and stays in place very well. The silicone is smooth, squishy, and comfortable, and the toy as a whole is waterproof. Theoretically, I guess that means you could wear this in a swimming pool or hot tub, but the bulge of the toy would definitely be visible, in addition to the magnet on the outside of your swimsuit that would have to be there to hold it in place.

While the primary means of controlling this toy is intended to be Satisfyer’s app, the toy can also be controlled manually via a single button on its surface. By pressing the button, you can cycle through the Sexy Secret’s 3 vibration intensities and 7 vibration patterns. There are many more options on the app, and the app is a much easier way of controlling the toy.

One thing I immediately took note of is that this toy doesn’t function as a vibrator to be used with just any kind of underpants. It really DOES have to be panties, specifically. Truly, the word “panties” makes me retch, but that’s just how it is. My partner was wearing their usual underpants, which are Pair of Thieves boxer briefs, but despite being fitted and realistically pretty tight, they were still too loose to be used with the Sexy Secret. The toy weighed my partner’s underwear down just enough so that the fabric (and the toy) would be pulled away from my partner’s clit, thus rendering the toy basically useless.

So, I put on my ~panties~ and positioned the Sexy Secret in place, pulling on a pair of basketball shorts on top and busying myself with heating up dinner in the microwave. I tossed my phone to my partner, who was sitting on the couch, and said “hey, fuck around with this while I’m doing stuff in the kitchen.” I had initially planned on using my Apple Watch and my phone at the same time to control the Sexy Secret, but this plan was quickly ruined since Satisfyer only allows a toy to be paired with one device at a time. Instead of alternating between the two devices, I settled for only using the app on my phone. Even though I’m not going out on the town and testing it in a public setting, I wanted to try and replicate a somewhat realistic app experience assuming that’s what I was doing with this toy. Like most millennials, my phone is constantly glued to my hand, so…phone app it is.

App Controls and App Troubles:

The Satisfyer Sexy Secret was immediately responsive to the app, both in terms of starting/stopping as well as adjusting to changes my partner made on the app screen. The app itself is user friendly and easy to understand, and I can tell that Satisfyer is really trying to make the best possible app experience. The range between the app and the toy was also pretty good—it was able to stay connected even as my partner stood on opposite ends of our apartment. However, the app is far from perfect, and was the source of my greatest set of problems with this toy.

When the Sexy Secret was being controlled by the app, the app would display that the toy was consistently running…but in reality, the toy was prone to randomly stopping its vibrations every thirty seconds. After the first few frustrating incidents of the toy randomly shutting off, I decided to sit down with it and take notes of exactly how often this was happening.

During the first round using the “Live Control” setting on my phone, the toy randomly stopped vibrating at the following intervals:
0:50
1:38
2:22
3:05

I tried running it on a pattern setting, and the toy stopped vibrating at the following intervals:
0:44
1:20
2:10

Just to see if it would turn back on, I let it go to 3:10—a whole minute—and the toy still did not come back on. I switched from the pattern settings to Live Control again, and the issue repeated itself—the toy shut off after 30 seconds.

To remedy this issue, I would have to tap the “pause” button on the app screen, then tap the button again to “play”. This is something I had to repeatedly do while using/testing the toy out. I tried reinstalling the app, and while it seemed to help at first, it quickly returned to its previous behavior of randomly shutting off. The issue wasn’t distance, either—my phone was less than a foot away from the vibrator while I was trying to troubleshoot this problem.

For the sake of consistency, I not only reinstalled the app on my phone, but I also tried pairing the Sexy Secret with the app on my iPad to see if that would work any better. Unfortunately, it still had the same problem with randomly turning off at similar intervals to the ones I recorded when testing with my phone.

The spottiness of the app makes the whole toy a failure. Because the point of the Sexy Secret is to be controlled remotely via app, a finicky app destroys the whole experience. I was frustrated enough dealing with this in controlled testing in my home—imagine someone who wanted to wear this out on a date and had to deal with it randomly stopping every 30-50 seconds. That sucks! That’s not erotic, that’s just annoying!

Satisfyer Sexy Secret: Feel, Vibrations, and Noise Levels

Assuming a perfect world where the toy works as it is supposed to with the app, I still think this toy is somewhat limited in its utility. The battery drained surprisingly fast (within an hour), and it’s definitely not “whisper quiet” as the marketing material suggests. When the toy is on full blast, you can definitely hear it buzzing. The Sexy Secret, for this reason, would work best in a very noisy environment, such as a club or concert setting. It’s not any louder than a cellphone vibrating in someone’s pocket, but that being said…you can definitely hear cellphones vibrating in people’s pockets, so take that comparison as you will.

In terms of feel and vibration, my assessment of this toy is that it’s very…meh. The vibrations felt buzzy and at times just like an irritating tingle. The shape of the Sexy Secret kind of required that I pull my labia apart and snuggle it in between, which is not a position that my labia want to remain in, especially when walking. When I walked around the apartment with the Sexy Secret, the natural movement of me walking dislodged the Sexy Secret from where it wanted to nestle inside my labia, and instead the toy just buzzed against my pubic mound. When I deliberately sat down, spread my legs open, and jammed the Sexy Secret against my clit, I felt like maybe eventually I could manage to get off with this toy if I was really feeling desperate…but I wasn’t able to during testing. The vibration quality just isn’t enough for me. Maybe the purpose of the Sexy Secret isn’t orgasm, but is actually edging, but even in that context I can’t imagine it being anything other than irritating and annoying.

Final Thoughts on the Satisfyer Sexy Secret:

I would probably judge the Satisfyer Sexy Secret less harshly if the app performed more reliably, but for a toy that boasts remote control via app as its main feature and function…it’s a big problem when the app doesn’t work the way it should. The vibrations of the toy were mediocre at best, and as a remote control vibrator, the toy also suffers from short battery life. In the end, it does everything it’s supposed to do…it just doesn’t do anything particularly well.

If you’re interested in getting a Satisfyer Sexy Secret of your own, you can pick one up here from Naughty North! Thanks to Naughty North for giving me this toy to try out!