How I Wanna Come in 2021

2020 has been an absolute shitshow. Without a doubt. I know it, everyone else knows it. But for me personally, it was a big year of personal growth for me in terms of my relationship to sex and sexuality.

I bought a ton of new sex toys, and even though the world being a nightmare didn’t always make me want to use them, it was still a big deal to grow my sex toy collection from “one sad vibrator” to a whopping 17 sex toys as of December 31st, 2020.

Obviously, a big goal for me in 2021 is to grow as a sex toy reviewer and blogger.

But for 2021, I also have some more specific, more personal sex goals.

Goal #1: Stop Being So Fucking Hard On Myself

One of the main things I struggle with as part of my ADHD is rejection sensitivity. If something happens that makes me feel foolish or embarrassed, it becomes a life-ending event. This happened a lot when I was a younger student. For example, I struggled immensely with math because when I couldn’t understand how to solve a problem I would feel stupid and ashamed, and those feelings in turn got stuck in my mind and made me feel a profound sense of humiliation that made me want to run away, explode in anger, or both. 

When rejection sensitivity affects me during sex, the situation is usually something like my vagina not being warmed up enough to take a dildo. The normal, healthy response is to take a step back and work on warming up more using fingers or other sex toys instead. For me, the dildo doesn’t go in, I exclaim in pain, and then I feel embarrassed, stupid, and pathetic for not being able to immediately take a dildo. I fall into a spiral of self loathing, sometimes go non-verbal, and a lot of time wind up unable to continue sex at all because I get so preoccupied hating myself.

This is…extremely unhealthy. I know my partner is willing to wait for me and doesn’t have any expectations they’re demanding I meet. Still, I get stuck in the tendency to beat myself up. It’s not fair to my partner and it’s especially not fair to myself. So, for 2021, I’m going to stop being so fucking hard on myself when it comes to “analyzing my performance” during sex.

Goal #2: Work on Communicating Better

Sometimes, I have a hard time saying things as a result of rejection sensitivity, as mentioned above. Trauma from a past abusive relationship can also make it really hard for me to communicate at times. I’m often afraid to verbalize things for fear of being made fun of or shut down, even though I know my partner won’t dismiss me or make fun of me. 

My struggle with communicating has led to several arguments in the past. Additionally, my partner is autistic, and has told me that they greatly prefer it when I state things directly instead of dancing around an issue or worse, shutting down entirely.

It’s hard to communicate directly in conversations related to sex when we live in a culture that has conditioned us to speak mysteriously and sparingly around sex. We’re not taught how to have healthy, productive, honest conversations about sex. But, there’s no time like the present to start trying to communicate better, so that’s what I’ll be working on in 2021.

Goal #3: Be More Patient When Masturbating

As another consequence of my ADHD, I have a bad tendency to be really impatient at times. This extends to sex and masturbation. Rather than taking the time to always warm myself up and use different toys when masturbating, I usually just try and bust an orgasm out of myself as quickly as possible. 

A lot of the time after masturbating this way I feel disappointed and still sexually frustrated, and I know it’s because I’m not giving myself time to genuinely enjoy the act. I also find that I don’t use dildos very often while masturbating for fun (and not reviews) because I’m too lazy to warm myself up, use lube, etc. Reviewing may be my side project, but I shouldn’t treat all of my masturbation sessions like they’re just another job. When I’m having recreational orgasms, I should devote the same amount of time and effort that I do to the orgasms I pursue for my reviews.

So, in 2021, I’m going to try and schedule specific masturbation sessions where I require myself to take my time, be patient, and use a wider variety of sex toys. Not for review purposes either, but for the sake of finally prioritizing my own enjoyment.

Goal #4: Keep Toys Charged and Diversify More

I have a pretty good collection of sex toys, but I usually find myself returning to the same two toys whenever I’m masturbating for fun. This is often because I rarely have the foresight to charge other toys. Continuing from above, I’m also too impatient to take the time to really construct a well thought out, comprehensive masturbation experience. 

This failure to keep toys charged was why I used a mediocre vibrator for such a long time–it could be used while charging, so if everything else was dead, it was my only option. In 2021, I’m going to try to plan ahead more and keep toys charged in advance so I can enjoy a broader range of sensations and not get stuck in a rut. 

Goal #5: Consume More Porn

I’m really interested in gender and sexuality studies as a whole, so I read a lot about sexuality and gender. But, the majority of my reading has been historical, heavily academic, super researched non-fiction tomes. Since I can’t afford to go back to school and get a master’s degree in gender/sexuality studies, I cope by reading academic stuff for fun. 

I still intend on reading academic content in 2021, but I want to try and branch out this year and consume more fiction media. I’ve never really read much erotica and I surprise my friends whenever I tell them my favorite genre is non-fiction. In 2021, I want to make an effort to read more adult lesbian fiction (as opposed to YA) as well as reading erotica and more modern books about sexuality. 

What about you? What are your sex goals for 2021? Did you have any sex goals for 2020? Let me know in the comments!