My partner and I have been in a relationship for about two years, and we’ve been friends quite a bit longer than that.
Our relationship is a testament to the fact that there is an enormous difference between “sex” and “intimacy.”
I’ve had sex with more than a handful of people, but only one person has aimed a hair dryer betwixt my butt cheeks to dry my crack after I had a weird cut form in the junction right where my butt crack begins and my tailbone ends, and that’s my very dear current partner.
Similarly, I’m the only person who has ever popped open their surgical drain like a freaky little juice box and drained their personal bodily fluids into a measuring cup.
Intimacy is weird! But I think my partner and I are doing a pretty good job at it.
We reached the “c’mere, lemme tweeze that chin hair out for you” stage of intimacy pretty quickly, and we had been having sex regularly for the first year of our relationship. Still, it wasn’t until after we celebrated our one year anniversary that I felt capable of breaching the topic of sex toys.
I only owned one vibrator when I moved in with my partner, but they didn’t even bear witness to it with their eyes until the one year mark in our relationship. A big part of me was uncomfortable with the idea of bringing up the idea of introducing sex toys but more than that…I didn’t really see a need to do so.
Sex without sex toys was working fine for us, so what was the point?
Why Wait to Introduce Sex Toys?
I wouldn’t call me or my partner prudish or squeamish, but sex toys were, for me personally, a difficult topic to breach. I unfortunately have a history of domestic abuse/sexual violence lurking in my past with a demonic ex-girlfriend of mine who used sex toys on me…well, let’s just say in not-great ways.
All of my experience with sex toys in the context of partnered sex had taken place in the crucible of my first serious relationship. It was an abusive nightmare that plagued my life between the ages of 17 and 21, and has continued to torment me for years after it ended. Because of her, I associated sex toys in relationships with physical pain and emotional distress.
I hadn’t really had the opportunity for healthy, partnered sexual activity involving sex toys until getting with my current partner. But, even though we were able to sign a lease together at the six month point of our relationship, I still couldn’t bring myself to even look at a dildo with them until the 13th month of our relationship.
Note: If you’re reading this and I slept with you in the time between my demon ex and my current partner, I’m not saying our time together was unhealthy or unpleasant, I’m mostly commenting that due to various restraints (geographic location/proximity, financial limitations, etc.) we didn’t regularly get the chance to use sex toys together. You guys are all good…rock on…thanks for reading my blog……..
First Steps: One Vibrator at a Time
Anyway, back to my current partner.
That 13th month of our relationship was when my single vibrator at the time, a Svakom Alice, finally crawled out of hiding and joined us in bed. It was an overall fun and enjoyable experience, and we used the Alice together again a few times after that. The main element of our sexual activities with each other remained fingering, hand stuff, whatever you want to call it.
Even though at first we only experimented with one mediocre vibrator, and even then only a few times, those limited experiences were so important. They proved I could use a sex toy in a relationship without disintegrating into a smoke cloud of PTSD symptoms, which was a huge relief.
The Day Sex Toys Became a Relationship Necessity
One day, it became clear that sex toys were no longer going to be an option. Rather, they were going to be a necessity.
My day job finally caught up with me and the current bane of my existence made itself known—my carpal tunnel, my tendonitis, my repetitive stress injury, my…frankly I don’t know what it is. All I really know is that it fucking hurts and makes all of my day to day tasks–not just sex–a lot more painful and difficult.
Once my wrist problems started to flare up, our sex life as we knew it came to a screeching halt. Believe it or not, the motions associated with stimulating someone else’s g-spot and clitoris require a lot of hand, wrist, and finger dexterity. I guess getting old and working a job where you type all day has consequences–who would’ve thought!
After I came to the horrifying conclusion that my wrists were fucked and there is no such thing as Viagra for carpal tunnel (or whatever my problem may be), I realized that since I wasn’t reliably going to be able to perform sex acts with my hands and fingers anymore. It was officially time to seek out alternatives.
You may be asking, “but what about your mouth?” and here’s the twist: I also have “my neck and jaw hurt all the time”-itis. Also, my partner likes internal stimulation, which my tongue simply can’t achieve in the same way that sex toys or fingers can.
How to Discuss Adding More Sex Toys to the Relationship?
At that point, the path ahead was clear…it was time to open up a conversation about purchasing sex toys. But how would that conversation even begin? How would we decide on a sex toy when I couldn’t even say the word “dildo” to my partner without getting embarrassed? How would we decide on a sex toy where there were so many out there to choose from??? And how would we even figure out what we wanted??? FIND OUT….in my next blog post, right here!